My Failure.

Hello everyone. Uncle Doogs is back, and I am almost positive none of you have missed me. In fact I am sure most of you, if not all of you, were thinking, “Thank God. He’s gone.” However, I was merely away.

We are going to get real personal here my fellow Aardvarkians. While I was away, my long term girl friend and I broke up. I’ve been fighting with myself and how to go about “rebounding” ever since.

It is really amazing how I walked away from that relationship and the first thing I thought was, “Is this what it is like to get divorced?” I may sound like a bitch or not the prototypical alpha male, but my heart was, and is still, broken. I am the shell of the man I was. At least that is how I felt initially.

The break up was a long time coming. Some things had come up in the relationship that I should have known were massive red flags, but I did my best to remain positive and try to work through these differences. I mean, I loved this woman. I have always said I don’t ever want kids, and yet she made me want to have children. I wanted her to the be mother of my children. That is a thought I have never ever had about any other woman ever.

The hardest part is that I have been in love with this woman since I was in the sixth grade. She was my Juliette, and I finally had her. I was fortunate enough to get stationed back here in September of 2013, and that is when my quest started I suppose. It was a valiant one. She had just completed school and was starting her job in Boston, and I was now establishing myself at a new unit in the United States Coast Guard. We were young (I mean I guess I still am) and foolish and really enjoyed our time together, but decided to have an off period to figure our new selves out. It was necessary and really helped build the relationship to be stronger the second time around.

Fast forward to a year ago when she reached out to me telling me how much she missed me and felt the need for us to be an item. Red flag number one. I was the safety net. I was easy. And I didn’t see that from the get-go. I should have never ever looked back, but instead I pitifully waited around my phone, hoping, dreaming, praying it would light up with her initials across the screen with an, “I love you message.” It finally did. Oh happy day.

We got back together after having lengthy discussions about what we wanted to do differently. I thought we were bullet proof after that. Really had thoughts of marriage and all of that shit. Hell! We even talked about it. I figured it was simply not an if but when we’d get married.

Then about two months in I learned that her brother, a friend of mine, still hadn’t known about her and I after she insisted on her telling him. Red flag number 2. I respected her wishes when I knew all he simply was the truth and we did not give that to him. That created a fair amount of strained relations between him and I, between him and her, and ultimately her and I. Deep down I was stewing that we had not done right the right thing right away. It was as if he was coddled by her, and she needed to protect him from the evils of her and I dating, when in reality he is a smart easy going young man that would have understood had we simply told him immediately.

That was not the real problem though, the real problem was I was holding onto someone that was not right for me, and I held on for way to long. She was not the girl I fell in love with in sixth grade, because well, people fucking change. She’s changed and I have changed. We today, as young adults, are not people you would put together. She is vegan, I love steak. She is more liberal, I am more conservative. She likes Nantucket, I like Martha’s Vineyard. She does not respect what I do for work, where I think I am fucking hero for this country. The list goes on and on. Red flag after red flag.

I made compromise after compromise after compromise. Red flags three, four and five. I really have learned an immense amount about myself through the whole experience, but what I find so horrifying is how much I was willing to change for someone, and how unwilling they were to change for me. That was and still is scary.

A relationship should better the two people. Their worlds should meld without an issue. There should not be a single secret. And yet my relationship was the exact opposite of all of that. I was kept a secret from friends, co workers and ultimately her brother. I was a taboo topic at the dinner table since her dating myself created such angst between her and her brother. It has all left me feeling well, like I will never be good enough. I could never quite fit the mold.

Now I know that is very selfish feeing to have, and a knee jerk reaction, but hey it is how I was left feeling. I am now battling the initial loneliness feeling that has now occupied my mind and heart. I’m swiping right on every stupid dating app possible hoping for a sexual rebound and attention from females, when in reality I should be shutting off my phone and looking inward finding out what I truly do want for myself and potentially a family. She was able to derail me and who I was so much that I spent the weekend on Martha’s Vineyard, at a friend’s dog sitting, with a festering question of, “Who am I??” That is a horrifying question to be asking yourself when you thought you had it all figured out.

Luckily for me, under the night sky, taking an outdoor shower (probably my next article) I said I was going to write about how I felt and how it has left me. I am beginning to feel like it was the correct step in the correct direction. I know I’ll bounce back and I’ll get back to my usual Uncle Doogs self, but it really was a disheartening experience. I urge you all to love and embrace someone, it is such a beautiful thing when it is right. But you all need to do yourselves a favor and know when to quit so you are not left feeling like me.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Sarah says:

    Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. I think you’ve done the right thing. I have found that these types of experiences which lead to the questions like “who am I” are an opportunity for growth. Instead of feeling the emotional pain, being consumed by it and wishing it to go, step back from it in your mind and try and be curious about it. I have found when I do that I get calmer faster and then I can think rationally again when I’m calm. Hope this helps, look after yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uncledoogs says:

      Sarah,
      Thank you for the kind, supportive words. Much appreciated! It definitely has been a learning experience from what has happened. To no one’s fault, a great thing came to an end, but not without having created some great memories and having learned about ourselves.

      Like

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